Thurday night funnies

Dear ______,

I knew you were upset when I saw you. I thought I knew what it was about and that it was directed at me. I don't know how I do it. It really isn't intentional. I never do it on purpose. I just "come into" these situations. I am not more attractive then you. The men who are attracted to me must sense that I am not "marriable". That I am not one to expect commitment from or expect to give it to. Maybe they sense it... smell it like animals in heat. They know I am not in the state of mind to ask too much of them. They do not know that I am not in the place in life to ask too much. That is our little secret. And that is what I thought was upsetting to you. That I was taking all the single men when I had one already at home. Well not at my home but at his. One who is very much in love with me. One that would do just about anything for me in his own little way. One that would be crushed if he had any idea what it is I do every year while he is hunting. All the hunting season men... But there really haven't been that many. But the few have impacted my life a great deal. And the one he suspected really changed our relationship for the better. I am just getting to the point that I don't want the responsibility. I am not in the right frame of mind to "behave" all the time. Married for all those years. Faithful (well mostly) all that time. This is my time to play a little. I feel bad about the hunter. I caused him to expect me to be faithful. Because I thought that is what I wanted. I told him that I was looking for a relationship. I wasn't one for hanging out just every now and the. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I am sorry that I go after the men I am attracted to. I will not stop because you are envious. You can do the same. I have only once gone after someone I thought you might be attracted to. And yes we slept together. But you don't know about that one. The others you know about. The cowboy doesn't count because every woman in the state was after him. It was safe to assume you were too. I just happen to be lucky enough to catch him at a week moment a few times! But I do love you anyway! I am sorry if you are hurt. I did nothing wrong this time. Let's talk

Ms. Pacquette had her order number!

How does it happen that everytime I write you infiltrate? I have not been able to write without you being involved in my thoughts for years. I can go hours and hours without a single glimpse of you in head but the minute I try to write about happenings that have nothing to do with you but yet... you are in my thoughts. In the background of every event. YOU WERE NOT THERE!! HOW CAN YOU BE NOW!! Even when I have been in relationships with others you are always there. I often wish you were a bigger part of my life. But you are not. And have never been. Possibly it is because neither of us really want that. SO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

The man at Radio Shack is working until 7pm.

I know she doesn't want those candles but she should have them

You flew to see the light as I drove
I drove to say goodbye as you flew
I flew so you could see it again as you rested
I drove home alone

Hunting season 2004 revisited

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?????? I am not a sex addict. Maybe I am just an affection addict. I do not love you or believe I would want to. You have been on my mind continuously. I wonder if you think of me at all. I wonder if I really care of if you do. I just think you should be thinking of me. After all, who wouldn't? Why wouldn't you be? And you know what... I don't have a problem! I am ok.

All you damn men are messed up! Men can go into a bar and flirt and proposition and go home with a stranger and they are considered something special. If I do the same thing I am considered a slut, whore bitch. You know what? I know that my encounters are not as many as this post might lead someone to believe. They are always of my own doing. Not that guy I find attractive who thinks he has broken down my defenses and accomplished what no other in the room could. Little does he know that chances are there is someone in that room who knew me before him. No one ever really knew me. You could not comprehend me. I am a fluke, a freak, someone who with a decent body for the age of it that will be fun for the night... hehehe... bet I had more fun! Especially knowing you had no idea I play the game better. You are so easy, so gullible that you can be made to believe you call the shots and I can make you think you were just so irresistible that I couldn't help myself. Too funny... in fact the deal if this - You are the easy one - The one who is easily manipulated - and you are the slut!

Other than those moments we were together did you ever lead me to believe that you would want more than sex. Is that all I was to you? That would really bug me. Not because you are more than sex to me. Because I am the only one allowed to feel that way. Any man in my life must love me more than life itself and be devoted to me and only me. Even though I will never offer you the same. I must admit that I do love the game. The seduction. Letting men think they seduced me. Do I really look that easy or gullible???? Are you guys that dense? You should know that there is only one being ever in contol of whether my pants stay on or get thrown to the floor!!! And it certainly isn't you!

I guess I shouldn't be so blunt. That isn't lady like is it? Oh well... I can act like a lady when I need to but this isn't an instance of such nature. I should be thankful that anyone finds me attractive at all. I am no supermodel but I am not Mimi from the Drew Carey Show either! I have had enough men try to play the game with me to know that someone will find me attractive eventually... Just wish it was the one I find most attractive. I am afraid that by playing with these other men that I may blow the chance to experience true love. He shouldn't be sitting on his ass and not doing anything about it! I have made more effort and have come to realize that he will go without before he contemplates the risk of rejection. His loss, is suppose!

Oh yeah back to you... you are cute and funny - you may have a drinking thing to contend with but I am not sure if you drink like that always or because I scare you. You are a red sox fan and I really think that would make a relationship beyond the bed absolutely impossible. Damn Red Sox! I enjoy hanging out with you. I enjoy the sex very much but you may not understand what is real. I wouldn't want to hurt you but... I never made any promises either. Never even insinuated that there was more to this than I like the way you touch me... You have yet to get beyond the surface though. And when you realize what was meant by hunting season will you want to get beyond the surface? Do you already know? Does it bother you or do you really look at this as the physical relationship that it is??? I never said there wasn't anyone in my life when I let you touch me. You never asked. I never asked you. There was a reason for that. Too much information. As long as I don't know I can make up the story. I can envision you sitting alone just wishing I was around to hang out with. Missing me, wanting me, needing me... While in reality I am with another. One who sees me as the rest of his life. I am not a slut but I am not a nice person either...

The Baseball Psychic

Baseball Season 2004

Just touching. As gently as possible for hours. Never a forbidden place – except for the occasional accidental brush. Well there was that minute or two that I didn’t realize my arm was crossing over his crotch while we were holding hands.Those damn Yankees. They get me in trouble every time. I just wanted out of the house once I arrived from work. I don’t know what made me so antsy. So restless. I had been looking forward to a nice quiet evening at home since I woke up. I entered the house and it seemed unseen forces were directing me to leave. Or maybe it was the forces I could see.. The stack of dishes that my 17 year old and his friends left in their haste to return to the social element in town. Then there were the “smelt” forces. The house reeked of urine terribly from the 15-year-old dog that had developed a bladder problem in the past few months. Or possibly the laundry in need of serious attention. Could have been the vacuuming I had neglected. For whatever reason, the longing to stay home and relax left as soon as I walked through the door. I drove to Mulligan’s. I really hadn’t been hanging out there as much as I used to. When I entered the bar it seemed very loud and busy. I couldn’t see any of the regulars that I was used to meeting when I went there. I wanted to turn around and leave but I had already committed myself to going in once I walked all the way through the double doors. Brook was sitting at the bar sipping his usual red wine. He is a very sweet elderly gentleman who is always looking for the company of a woman. He prefers the young ones. But in this case I would do. I sat next to him. It must have been the cosmos stepping in again. The seat beside Brook was the only one available at the bar. We discussed the weather, his travels from Pennsylvania that day and the terrible cold he could have only contracted while in New Jersey. It wasn’t long before the bartender started talking about the upcoming Yankees Red Sox game. Minutes later HE walked in. I should have known I didn’t have a chance when he came up to me. And then there were those damn cosmic forces at work again. As he and I were discussing how long it had been since we last saw each other the two men sitting next to me paid their tab and left. I am not nervous talking to him. And for years he has entered my mind. We have never been anything more than acquaintances. I had hoped we could but it just never seemed to be in the cards. He and I have had a lot of fun flirting with each other, but we both flirt with everyone so I tried not to read too much into his attention to me. I love getting into conversations with him about anything. He is intelligent, kind and funny. We can make a disagreement fun and we have the some of the same philosophies. The thing that got this acquaintanceship off the ground is the fact that we both are big New York Yankees fans. So we spent the next couple of hours watching the game on the tv at the bar. We didn’t concentrate completely on the game. We talked a lot and flirted more than we ever had. It seemed that others trying to interject in our conversation were irritating him. Being as social as he is I found that odd. But hell if I am getting all the attention who am I to complain? But the flirting was different this time. Still just flirting but had a new ring to it. A more serious tone maybe. Or more realistic innuendo? I don’t know what it was but there was something that changed. We have been playing the flirt and tease game for years. Insinuation, innuendo. All part of the game. This night was just a little different. Less flirtatious. More like a pick up competition. And this night I knew I could actually follow through with my comment to him that I would be right over as he paid his tab and headed home. I said it many times. And always drove home instead of finding out how serious he was. This night was different. I didn’t think twice about it as I pulled out of the restaurant parking lot and headed directly to his house. I pulled into his road. Or at least I thought it was his road. I got confused just as I made the turn. I had only been to his house once before with a few other friends. I turned the car around. When I reached the end of the road I looked up and saw the sign. It was the right road. I turned back around and pulled into his driveway. He was there but the only light was the television. The yard was pitch black. I tried to walk to the door in a graceful way. It was difficult because I couldn’t see anything. What if there was a rake on the lawn and I stepped on it and knocked myself out? Now that would have been true grace in motion! I made it to the door. The main door was open. I knocked on the screen door and called in. He said, “Come on in”. I walked through the kitchen into the living room where I could see he was sitting on the couch. As I got closer I noticed that he appeared to be wearing only a blanket across his lap. I asked him if he greeted all of his guests like that. He said no at least this time he is wearing his boxers. How exactly should I have taken that? I sat next to him and we continued watching the same baseball game we started in the bar. We talked about the players and the season and how neither of us were all that impressed with this years team even though they were in first place. The Red Sox won the game so the conversation turned to my sick optimism when I said no big deal the Yankees would win the next two games. About an hour after my arrival there was a knock on the door. It was one of the waitresses from the bar we had just left. She yelled in are you decent. I don’t remember what he said. I said Hi. Neither of us was rude or could have been understood as wanting to be alone. But she said well I will catch you later and left. She couldn’t see us threw the door. If she had she would have seen that I was fully dressed even with my sneakers still tied. We looked at each other in confusion and said oh well and went back to discussing the game. It actually took a while for it to kick in, that soft almost ticklish sensation on the outside of my thigh. It was his foot. Rubbing so gently against my leg. It was driving me nuts. I didn’t comment on it right away. And honestly I don’t know how the transition happened. I realized shortly after that I was rubbing his leg that was attached to the foot rubbing my leg. We continued this action for some time. Never acknowledging it but never stopping. On the few instances that we were not touching each other we would make sure to correct that situation. It was so sensual. So hard to define. All the things going through my head. All the desires I have hidden for so many years. And now I couldn’t make a move. I was enjoying the connection I was experiencing. We weren’t talking about a relationship or even a date or even throwing his blanket and boxers to the floor and have wild sex for the rest of the night. We were talking about my job, his job, my family, his family, baseball, having kids, dogs, music. Everything but how it came to be that we were sitting there together and where it should go from there. He made a couple comments about me coming back to his house sometime but no actual day or time was discussed. At one point as we watched a Trial on ESPN to determine which curse was real, The Curse of the Bambino or The Chicago Cubs Goat Curse, he began to actually massage my back. And we had a conversation about how I am a sucker for a massage. We discussed getting professional massages as opposed to have a friend rub your back. I told him that what he was doing really felt great. And he told me that he was only using his left hand because he wanted me to come back to experience a two handed massage. And you better believe I will. If I go back for nothing else I will definitely go back for that! We laughed and joked about the fact that we were watching the most ridiculous show. And that everyone knows the Curse of the Bambino is real! And why would we waste our time watching this. How hard up the athletes and actors that appeared as witnesses had to be to be a part of this program. He said he was so glad I was there because no one would believe him when he mentioned this ridiculous show. It was shortly after that we looked at the time. I was almost 4am. Where had the night gone? I thought it was probably 11pm. That is when the handholding started. We just rubbed and discovered each other’s hands. He realized that I am a rather ticklish person and thought that was quite comical. But he never took advantage of that information. A true gentleman. He did laugh at me about it occasionally though. There were a couple of times I thought he would actually pull me to him to kiss me and initiate more than this almost totally innocent touching. But he never did. I know that at any time I could have initiated something myself. I never did though. It was no real dilemma not to move things farther along. Any more than what we were doing would have changed everything. Even a kiss goodnight would have taken it to another place. A place I don’t think either of us was ready for. Or maybe we were. Maybe we were just both too afraid of what might or might not happen. What was I thinking? I have wanted him for so long and here was my opportunity and I couldn’t act on it? I must be nuts! Or maybe just scared to death. After all he is my “Knight of Cups”. I am afraid of loving him but I am also afraid of not loving him. He has been such a part of my thought process regarding love for so long. What if I didn’t love him? What if it really was all just a dance? Changing our relationship right now changes so much in the rest of my life. Some for the better. Some only time will tell. I will go see him again. I will pursue this situation further. I will try not to make any hasty decisions because there is too much riding on this. A heart is a terrible thing to waste!

At 5am I decided to leave. And the Yankees won the next two games against the Red Sox!

Concentration... *CLICK CLICK* Name of... *CLICK CLICK*

I think I want to go to MassMoca this weekend. But I don't want to drive. And I definitely don't want to be alone. I am handling the changes in my life very well according to everyone else. I am not so sure. I haven't cried in over 96 hours. That is a good sign. I think of all the time spent together and all the great things we had done without sadness but with the same regard as when I think about any enjoyable event in my life I shared with a friend. I guess I really am getting over you. Only a matter of days? That seems so short. I always imagined a broken heart should last for a lot longer. I am not complaining. But it makes me wonder... Did I ever really love you? Yes, I believe I did and I do. I still feel that pain in my heart when I think about you. Though it is bearable. I also believe that at this point in my life I am making everything more about me and less about the drama that others have brought to me. Or that I have allowed myself to become a part of. You have brought me drama. I have accepted it. Only I can be faulted for that. I love the notion that I will control my weekends again. That I will make the decisions. Not based on what you want but what I want. It's about me now. You wouldn't like that. You never knew to the extent that I was only a stowaway in our relationship. Along for the ride. I knew it. I beat myself up over it. I allowed it. Too afraid to not have you around. I afraid to be unloved. Too afraid to be alone. Well I am loved and I am alone. I am ok. Besides I will always know...
I LOVED

I will never run naked thru a corn field again

A Jew, a Fundamentalist Christian, and an Atheist were sitting in a bar discussing the significance that a life altering decision such as to change the color and/or style of your hair can be. Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, doesn’t it? It felt more like the punch line to one.The bar was not warm, not cold. If I were a young girl in need of some porage and a place to sleep the temperature would have been just right. There seemed to be an average amount of people for a Tuesday night. A few empty tables and a few empty seats at the bar. As some left others came in. A nice steady flow, I would think being in the restaurant business. The bar was a little dark. The bartender likes it that way. I wonder if anyone has ever asked him why. The conversations were buzzing all around me. I could hear them all at once. Nothing made sense. Too many words. After a couple of minutes of trying to focus it became deafening. My ears hurt. The high pitch in the voice of the young woman sitting two tables behind me began to make my ears ring more than they already were. I was feeling overwhelmed from the sound and not so much from the emotions running through my body. It was work to tune out all of it in order to hear what was being analyzed and re-analyzed at my own table. A glass of Pinot Grigio later I had less trouble focusing. Hey, the conversation was about me. It became interesting. Though concentrating on the conversation happening in front of me was not nearly as enticing as what was happening at the bar behind me. He was there. I saw his baseball hat bouncing up and down at the end of the bar as I arrived at our table. I chose the seat that would make sure my back was to him. If I could see him there would be no listening to any of the life saving advice I was about to hear. If I could see him I would have locked my eyes on him to the extent that a stalker would have taken notes. So instead I decided he could stare at my back and wonder. I was struggling to hear his voice. I couldn’t hear anything in that direction other than the three men sitting at the corner of the bar talking about golf. Three more men walked in and I thought to myself each one of them was a prime candidate for a little comfort sex. Being in such despair I was game for anything. I even subjected my self to hearing the wise words of the two women I was with thinking that they would ease my pain. Is there any pain worse than a broken heart? They did ease my pain, however. Quite a bit actually. The sheer humor in what became an argument between the two of them regarding when I would be ready to have a relationship again. They discussed, between the two of them, when I should approach HIM. One said immediately. The other thought I better wait until my heart heals. I Agreed with both of them. I wanted to approach him right then and there. But I know I have been hurting and trying to cope with being treated disrespectfully by a man I had given 9+ years of my life to. When it all actually transpired 2 years ago it was more than just disrespect. He purposely tried to hurt me and succeeded. He purposely ended the “break up” conversation so I would be unsure if we were actually breaking up. Then he kicked me out. I know this may seem like a “break up” thing to do but it was all so unexpected I had no idea had transpired. I don’t know still. But today I don’t need to know. I have closure. After seeing the eyes of someone I have been in love with for years, closure was not anywhere near the top of the things to worry about today.

He was there in the same room. I get butterflies when he looks at me. The best thing is the conversations we have had. No matter how much I feel for him I have always been able to be myself. Sometimes making a fool of myself but never feeling I was being judged. Humorous talks. Serious talks. And oh the flirting! That was the fun part. Which also made it confusing. Was he serious? Could I really show up at his house and would he really invite me in? The answer did come later.

I don’t know when he noticed me sitting there. Was it when I laughed at the half witted remarks I was half listening to. Or when someone called out my name and said hi. Maybe it wasn’t until he was leaving and had to walk right by our table. Surprised most likely that I was even sitting at a table. In the past few years I have spent quite a bit of time becoming a character out of a sitcom at this bar. Sitting at the bar. He stopped. We chatted.

The Jew and the Ahtiest both agreed that he wants me... DAMMIT!! I don't need to think about this now!

I should own a bowling alley!

I once told you I needed to be left at the alter because that was one heartache I have never felt. You never thought you would hear that from a woman. I meant it. Though now that I am experiencing that raw consuming pain I am trying to figure out why I would want this. Why I would want to feel like everything inside me has been taken and is hidden somewhere I may never find it again. I feel air run under my skin searching for something to comfort it. But nothing is there. I tired of crying. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of wondering. I am tired of worrying. I am just tired. Like a child wandering aimlessly in the woods after taking the wrong path. Rushing from one place to another only to return to start. Now it is dark and the sounds are frightening. The silence even more. It will be hours before the dawn. I am not sure that child will ever see it. It seems I have been in love with you since the first day we actually spoke. I have thought about you everyday since. Was it five or six years ago? Maybe even seven? I have never once told you how I felt. I flirted with you, you flirted with me. We both flirt with everyone. I learned to justify my feelings for you because of what you have done for me. There is something about you. About how I feel when you speak to me. You have something in your eyes I have always really wanted to know. Something that tells me I need to make love to you with my eyes open. I believe that you think of me as a nuisance at times, strange at others, intriguing some, just plain old nuts the rest of the time. I am really none of those things. I am a scared little girl fighting to survive and hide the pain. This pain I cannot hide. This time the pain is me. I cannot muster the strength or courage to tell you how I feel. This would be the wrong time to open my heart to you or anyone. I fear if I ever told you you would reject me. Something I can not take anymore. I fear too that you might not. That would be worse. Because you were not the one who left me at the alter...

From the past into today

When we met I was wearing a navy blue uniform I always thought looked matronly. You told me years later it was very flattering because I have great legs. The first time we spoke was in the cafeteria. You liked me because I wasn’t afraid of you like everyone else. One day you saw me in clothes I wore for my “day” job and said how nice it was to see me out of my uniform! You made me laugh. The flirting began. Harmless at first and then it became more intense. Then we acted on it. That breaks all the flirting rules I have ever known. We crossed the line and “changed everything”. I was separated and need of reassurance and acceptance. The ego boost was nice too! You had been single for a long time and in no need of a steady relationship. We both wanted different things and it took years to make that work. You were hurtful and mean at times to make sure I was aware that you had no use for a woman in your life. I told you that I didn’t need you either. I lied. I really didn’t need you but thought I did… therefore, the lie. The years went by. We hung out more and more each year. Doing fun things. Things we loved to do without each other. More of your things then mine, though. We did have fun. And I did get you to leave Vermont. Montreal was fun. And we walked 12 blocks on a morning when it was 20 below zero just so I could see that art exhibit. And you never complained. That IS love. But that was five years after our “relationship” started. You still wouldn’t admit that you loved me. Your excuse always was because your ex-wife hurt you so badly. I always told you I would never take responsibility for another’s trespasses. I never did with you. You never did with me. The years seemed to go by so quickly. The boating, fishing, hiking, the overnight trips to my favorite destinations and the thousands of meals we had together. Whether at a restaurant or home. But you never once went to a movie with me. I had often asked. You always said you wouldn’t go because the woman with the big hair always sat right in front of you. You did that often. Didn’t allow yourself to try something you would most likely enjoy because of what if’s. I always found that very sad. You were only punishing yourself. And you seemed to take comfort in the fact that you could be miserable and no one would change that. You were one of the saddest people I had ever met. I had hoped I could change that for you. Later on I found out I had. It was just too late by then. Then July of 2004 changed me. And it changed you. We took on opposite roles. We had a fight. You threw me out. We spent a week apart. And that is when it hit me… I realized something I never even thought of. I didn’t NEED you in my life. I wasn’t even sure I wanted you in my life at that capacity. I never wanted to lose your friendship. But as a lover? You were not the right one for me. I am beginning to believe there is no “Mr. Right” for me! That is a totally different story though. You came to the house when you knew I wouldn’t be home. You left me a note. It read “Care to go to Lake George on Saturday, Still love ya, The Asshole, (I seem to be getting better at it)” I didn’t call or contact you until that Saturday morning I just showed up. We walked through Lake George and talked. We talked about a lot of things and I actually spoke up. For once. Why was I so afraid of telling you what was really on my mind. After that day we were never the same. I didn’t realize that our “separation” had changed everything for you too. I just wanted to be friends after that and you wanted to get married. Then the pressure started. To move our relationship further along. I was ready to crack under that pressure. Then on a sunny September day, I flew to Arizona. During that trip I learned all you had done to make it possible for me to get there. Others had helped as well. For you it was a sure sign that I was more to you than a friend. You were unselfish and giving and knew what this trip would mean to me. So you sacrificed for me to get there. That is when the problem started for me. Upon my return I felt I had to stay with you. Some freaked out obligation. I stayed not because I loved you but because you loved me. After our final break up you asked me when I changed. I told you it was the day after you threw me out. The gift was the only thing that kept me around for another year. That wasn’t fair to you. I do miss my friend. I am not sorry we broke up. I am sorry you are hurt.

Today I have to drive to Rutland.

A blast from the past

Originally written July 26 2004

Instant messenging is a wonderful thing. Though sometimes it is heartbreaking. Like getting a message from someone you don't want to know that you and your boyfriend (Oh that sounds so lame) may have broken up but you are not sure. But she keeps asking and asking if you guys are going to a party three months from now... WHO PLANS THAT FAR AHEAD? What sick person needs to know what is going to happen next season!!! I am still in reruns right now! So to satisfy her need to annoy me I tell her I will let her know and say I must get back to work. But the instant messenging can also be an up lifting and rewarding thing. Especially when this same boil on the ass of humanity tells you that one of the few things you and your partner have been fighting about is not going to happen no matter how badly he wants it to. Though she wasn't sure. She must find out! I need to know now! She said she would let me know. I want to be there when he drives all the way to that OTHER state for the two day drinking, drugging, sex fest he enjoys so much every year only to find that HE IS ALONE! Yes, I can be hateful! But the way this month has gone it won't be canceled and he will have a great time! DAMN!!! Life Sucks! I suck!

I am angry... nah... I am sad... nah... I am hurt... How about this? I am "D" all of the above. Sometimes individually, sometimes all at once. I feel I am having an emotional meltdown and I will be damned if I am not going to find a way to enjoy it! I wish I knew if it was over between us or if he is thinking a break is in order. I don't want it to be over but I do think I have had enough of playing by his rules. Though even in my dispair I am playing by his rules. Killing myself not to go see him or call him or have any contact with him until he contacts me since he threw me out of his house in a temper tantrum comparable only to the reaction of a three year old being told that he cannot have the MegaSuperCollosus Water Gun. He told me he would "get over it eventually" but he usually takes a long time to get over stuff. What does have to get over anyway? That is why I want to see him so bad. To tell him what a prick he is and to find out if he is done with me for now. If he is I will inform him that in my reality "done with for now" means "Done with forever". With the track record of this totally fucked up relationship I believe I might hear from him in January. I can handle a break from each other. A separation. But not a free for all. Nothing resembling us breaking up and then when he realizes no other woman is crazy enough to have him come back to me. Nope! No Way! Not this time! Though he has never done it in the past. He has initiated these breaks on occasion. In our eight years together he has actually initiated everything. Now that is messed up! Oh well ILOVED anyway!

Plus I learned a couple things today... the biggest I think is that Women who wear white shorts, white socks and white sneakers are willing to pay $25 for their 5 year old daughter to get a hair cut. Now that is INSANE!

Help me! I am emotionally mel--ting!!!!

Car Alarms are usless irritants

It is a very humbling experience to be on a city street and hear sirens of all persuasions and not see where they are coming from. You know they are close because the sound is piercing. You know they are moving closer as the sound gets louder. You turn in every direction and cannot see a flashing light or an emergency vehicle. But you can hear them louder and louder, closer and closer. Where are they going? Why? Who is in the midst of a living hell? Are all involved actually living? Did someone lose a father, son, mother, daughter, friend or foe? Will someone gain a friend through the kindness of a stranger? Will there be a kind stranger around to offer help and support? Does anyone really care? Do I?

Griz was a project... Now he is an accomplishment

One day I fell in love with a radio disc jockey. WHY? You ask? Because I can. That day it was because he opened the door for me as I walked to the building our offices both resided in. There are those who I love all the time, but it is awesome to fall in love everyday... Who will today bring into my life?

Coffee Beans should never be considered a snack!

Fear is like cancer it spreads through your body without regard. Today I feel fear. It is like the feeling I had when I was about 7 and my sister and I trapped a bird in a birdhouse using a butterfly net. My stepfathers butterfly net. I knew when my mother found out she would be angry. And that was something you never wanted to experience. She was never violent or physically abusive. Though there were times I would have preferred that to the torment of her yelling and the following hours of silence. It is that kind of fear. That rock in your stomach. Waiting for doom. Knowing that it is coming. The only problem with this fear is that a bit of yelling and couple hours of silence will not help it subside. I need to make some life altering decisions in order to relieve the pressure and stress I have been feeling. And the worst part of it all is that I brought it all on myself. My own irresponsibility and childish optimism has caused me to neglect areas of my life that no one should neglect. Funny thing is, though today I am afraid... I still believe that it will all pass with me offering no effort to guide it on it's way. Hmmm... I like my childish optimism. Sometimes it does get in the way of me doing what a good grown up should. Like pay the bills, not spend money on trivial things and be firmer with my kids. Ah! Adult thinking!? Who is it that said that is the correct way to think? Who is the evil mastermind behind all of this "maturity"? Why do some put so much stock in that stuff? What has it ever really done for humanity? Ok, so maybe not fighting with the phone company, cable guy or electric company in order to maintain service sounds like a good idea. Maybe not worrying about how you are going to get the rent paid sounds like a good idea. Maybe always having a couple bucks in the bank for emergency sounds like a comforting thought... Why can I just not get myself to come around to that kind of thinking??? Is there something wrong with me? Nah... it is all those nut cases who have never lived a day calling home every hour to see if there is phone service going to the home you are in fear of getting evicted from that interfere with optimistic living!Fear is not so much like cancer I suppose. I can feel fear released from my body through my fingers to my keyboard to the monitor before me. Once fear has been typed and can be seen on the screen it loses it's bite.On to my optimistic living....

I never noticed the date

I thought it was the fact that Mike and I split up. My emotions and the melancholy seemed to be so intense. It never occurred to me that the anniversary of your death has come and gone yet again. 12 years? How can it be that long already? Seems like yesterday I sat in your hospital room, holding your hand, waiting for you to get better. Knowing you wouldn’t. Not accepting, but still knowing. I hate knowing things. I miss you as much as I did the first year. I can still smell the sterile air from that hospital. I have not been able to watch the movie The Fan ever since. I am glad that the Lorena Bobbitt trial is over.