Coffee Beans should never be considered a snack!

Fear is like cancer it spreads through your body without regard. Today I feel fear. It is like the feeling I had when I was about 7 and my sister and I trapped a bird in a birdhouse using a butterfly net. My stepfathers butterfly net. I knew when my mother found out she would be angry. And that was something you never wanted to experience. She was never violent or physically abusive. Though there were times I would have preferred that to the torment of her yelling and the following hours of silence. It is that kind of fear. That rock in your stomach. Waiting for doom. Knowing that it is coming. The only problem with this fear is that a bit of yelling and couple hours of silence will not help it subside. I need to make some life altering decisions in order to relieve the pressure and stress I have been feeling. And the worst part of it all is that I brought it all on myself. My own irresponsibility and childish optimism has caused me to neglect areas of my life that no one should neglect. Funny thing is, though today I am afraid... I still believe that it will all pass with me offering no effort to guide it on it's way. Hmmm... I like my childish optimism. Sometimes it does get in the way of me doing what a good grown up should. Like pay the bills, not spend money on trivial things and be firmer with my kids. Ah! Adult thinking!? Who is it that said that is the correct way to think? Who is the evil mastermind behind all of this "maturity"? Why do some put so much stock in that stuff? What has it ever really done for humanity? Ok, so maybe not fighting with the phone company, cable guy or electric company in order to maintain service sounds like a good idea. Maybe not worrying about how you are going to get the rent paid sounds like a good idea. Maybe always having a couple bucks in the bank for emergency sounds like a comforting thought... Why can I just not get myself to come around to that kind of thinking??? Is there something wrong with me? Nah... it is all those nut cases who have never lived a day calling home every hour to see if there is phone service going to the home you are in fear of getting evicted from that interfere with optimistic living!Fear is not so much like cancer I suppose. I can feel fear released from my body through my fingers to my keyboard to the monitor before me. Once fear has been typed and can be seen on the screen it loses it's bite.On to my optimistic living....