From the past into today

When we met I was wearing a navy blue uniform I always thought looked matronly. You told me years later it was very flattering because I have great legs. The first time we spoke was in the cafeteria. You liked me because I wasn’t afraid of you like everyone else. One day you saw me in clothes I wore for my “day” job and said how nice it was to see me out of my uniform! You made me laugh. The flirting began. Harmless at first and then it became more intense. Then we acted on it. That breaks all the flirting rules I have ever known. We crossed the line and “changed everything”. I was separated and need of reassurance and acceptance. The ego boost was nice too! You had been single for a long time and in no need of a steady relationship. We both wanted different things and it took years to make that work. You were hurtful and mean at times to make sure I was aware that you had no use for a woman in your life. I told you that I didn’t need you either. I lied. I really didn’t need you but thought I did… therefore, the lie. The years went by. We hung out more and more each year. Doing fun things. Things we loved to do without each other. More of your things then mine, though. We did have fun. And I did get you to leave Vermont. Montreal was fun. And we walked 12 blocks on a morning when it was 20 below zero just so I could see that art exhibit. And you never complained. That IS love. But that was five years after our “relationship” started. You still wouldn’t admit that you loved me. Your excuse always was because your ex-wife hurt you so badly. I always told you I would never take responsibility for another’s trespasses. I never did with you. You never did with me. The years seemed to go by so quickly. The boating, fishing, hiking, the overnight trips to my favorite destinations and the thousands of meals we had together. Whether at a restaurant or home. But you never once went to a movie with me. I had often asked. You always said you wouldn’t go because the woman with the big hair always sat right in front of you. You did that often. Didn’t allow yourself to try something you would most likely enjoy because of what if’s. I always found that very sad. You were only punishing yourself. And you seemed to take comfort in the fact that you could be miserable and no one would change that. You were one of the saddest people I had ever met. I had hoped I could change that for you. Later on I found out I had. It was just too late by then. Then July of 2004 changed me. And it changed you. We took on opposite roles. We had a fight. You threw me out. We spent a week apart. And that is when it hit me… I realized something I never even thought of. I didn’t NEED you in my life. I wasn’t even sure I wanted you in my life at that capacity. I never wanted to lose your friendship. But as a lover? You were not the right one for me. I am beginning to believe there is no “Mr. Right” for me! That is a totally different story though. You came to the house when you knew I wouldn’t be home. You left me a note. It read “Care to go to Lake George on Saturday, Still love ya, The Asshole, (I seem to be getting better at it)” I didn’t call or contact you until that Saturday morning I just showed up. We walked through Lake George and talked. We talked about a lot of things and I actually spoke up. For once. Why was I so afraid of telling you what was really on my mind. After that day we were never the same. I didn’t realize that our “separation” had changed everything for you too. I just wanted to be friends after that and you wanted to get married. Then the pressure started. To move our relationship further along. I was ready to crack under that pressure. Then on a sunny September day, I flew to Arizona. During that trip I learned all you had done to make it possible for me to get there. Others had helped as well. For you it was a sure sign that I was more to you than a friend. You were unselfish and giving and knew what this trip would mean to me. So you sacrificed for me to get there. That is when the problem started for me. Upon my return I felt I had to stay with you. Some freaked out obligation. I stayed not because I loved you but because you loved me. After our final break up you asked me when I changed. I told you it was the day after you threw me out. The gift was the only thing that kept me around for another year. That wasn’t fair to you. I do miss my friend. I am not sorry we broke up. I am sorry you are hurt.

Today I have to drive to Rutland.