Yeah! I have acid reflux!

In a great mood for reasons of her own, she slung booze across the bar as if it were fairy dust. Every customer blurring into the next. No concentration. It is amazing she made it through her shift without exploding. Ecstatic from one phone call. Happy to be alive. Happy to be wasting days writing nonsense, wasting nights pouring drinks. Her state was euphoric. It all ended to fast. He walked in. Ordered a beer and sat there all night watching. Occasionally speaking some mumbo jumbo. Then he got the nerve to ask why she doesn’t wear a ring. Curious to know what her social situation was. She tends to keep that information private. Her love life is, after all, her love life. Something sacred. Whether is exists or not. Still something she doesn’t want touched by the dirt she sees and feels at times when she is working. And it never fails, anytime she admits she has a social life, it becomes jinxed. He was persistent. “Are you seeing some one?” She wasn’t sure how to answer. She thinks she is. Hopes she is. But is she? That question really made her wonder. She only mustered up a “Kinda” in hopes to satisfy the inquisitive customer. She should have just said yes because he took her answer as an opportunity. She avoided any real direct conversation with him once he began asking about going out to dinner and getting together. Trying not to offend him. Wanting him to see she wasn’t interested. Apparently she wasn’t accomplished at getting that point across. At the end of the night there were still a few vehicles in the parking lot. Ones belonging to the careful few who chose to ride with someone else to the next bar. She got in her truck and turned the key. Warmed it only briefly. Lights on and ready to head home. Pulling out of the parking lot she noticed a car pulling out behind her. She hadn’t seen anyone in the area when she walked out and most people would say good night or something. Hey it’s 2am no big deal. She pulled out. The car followed. As a bartender she always felt she had a keen sense of people. Feeling a little nervous having this car right behind her she took a road she never takes. One leading away from her house. The car behind followed. She decided to go back to the bar. Laughing at herself for behaving so childish. She knew no one would be there but the vehicles in the parking lot would be a good cover. The round trip took all of five minutes but that car was behind her for all of it. Except when she, without a blinker, pulled into the bar parking lot. The car drove past the driveway and headed north. She watched to see if she could see who it was. And it was him. The one who wanted to take her to dinner. She parked her truck, turned it off and just waited. To see if he returned. It was a little unnerving. It was obvious he was following her. Feelings came back she had forgotten she could feel. Something she hadn’t dealt with in a long time. Bringing up memories of a stalker in another lifetime. Shaking and now scared due to her own imagination she still sat in the truck and waited. Trying to catch her breath. Trying to get her heart to stop racing. Trying to convince herself she is just being paranoid. Just minutes after turning the truck off she sees a vehicle heading south. It pulled into the parking lot. Oh thank God it was one of the bar hoppers getting dropped off at his truck. She turned the key and he pulled up to her to say goodnight. She followed him south for a bit and headed home.

What is wrong with grilled cheese for breakfast…

Opening day of Baseball is only a few days away!

I call what I do my retirement. And usually it feels like it is but… There are times it feels like more work than it is worth. Every now and then I just want to be able to say what I really think. I get paid to feed egos, pump self-esteem and inflate fantasies. Sometimes I wanted to be able to say, "You are a fucking drunk!", "You need to find a life " or "After two drinks you really become an asshole", "Please take a shower before you come back", "You are not the smartest, best looking person that comes in here", "No, I would not sleep with you for all of the Bacardi in the world!". “No, that guy would not go home with you no matter how much booze I feed him.” Unfortunately, my work ethic prevents me from doing that. So instead I say, "I think you have had enough." or "Who is driving?" or "I know there is a trooper parked up the road checking, I cannot in good conscience serve you anymore." or “How about a little water for a while” or “I can’t keep serving you these heavy drinks, the owner is watching” Or my favorite, "I am not serving you anymore because you are acting like an idiot.

"For those of you who frequent bars let me give you a few tips about bartenders.

Pace yourself. Otherwise it isn't pretty and we create blogs about you.

Rest assured we have seen a few people that can drink more than you! We probably can ourselves.

Poor Hygiene isn't good. Generally the bartender is sober and has a decent sense of smell. We will shut you off earlier just to get rid of you. No matter how pissed you get.
DO NOT start with the "Oh this one or that one is the greatest person thing" It is aggravating because then we KNOW you are already drunk and it is safe to show you the door.

REMEMBER you DO get louder as the drinks go down. Unfortunately for the poor sap behind the bar a bartenders hearing doesn't weaken!

We don’t care how many bars you have been in. You know nothing about our job until you have worked behind a bar for a period of time.

Bartenders DO NOT take someone home every night so do not even go there. Most bartenders like going home alone. Spend a few hours behind a bar and witness human nature in raw form and you would want to go home alone too!

Bartenders aren't lonely. More times than not we are not interested in your advances. And most female bartenders have taken self-defense courses or come to work armed. Most bar owners are fine with this as long as there are no witnesses or bodies to dispose of.

Bartenders are usually the only sober ones in the room so when they say you're done, then dammit – YOU'RE DONE! We are only saving you some major embarrassment tomorrow and the need to try to remember who you need to apologize to or figure out why you are banned from a bar.

No matter how smart or cute or funny you are when you are sober – YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS AFTER A FEW DRINKS. Trust me.

Bartenders do love MOST of their regulars. Make sure you fall into the MOST category. If you don't then tip heavy and that will insure a "good" drink and a friendly greeting the next time you come in.

Top shelf usually means sucker to a bartender! You better know what country your vodka comes from before you order it! Otherwise you know shit about vodka! If you drink mixed drinks and are looking to get a good glow, skip the expensive stuff! The hangover is the same. You are not impressing anyone. You will be happy with the couple bucks in your pocket in the morning! There are some who know the difference. Those are the ones who do not sit in bars and get drunk.

Oh and most importantly – WE DO TALK!! What happens in the bar is common knowledge by 7am and probably posted on some blog somewhere! There really is something known as “The bartenders club”. If you act like an ass, every bartender within 50 miles hears about it within 24 hours.Remember if you take care of your bartender he/she will take care of you BUT part of taking care of your bartender is NOT being an asshole. 95% of bar customers are good ones. We will watch out for you as long as you are not a jerk on a regular basis. In the case of the Bar Jerk” – we will use you for comic relief.

Last but not least, if you think you ARE, chances are you ARE NOT the biggest tipper at the bar. So stop bragging about it every time you come in. The best tip I got to this day was a $20 bill wrapped in a napkin with “Mary Lou in the fifth” written on it. A week later I was at Hinsdale Race Track and bet on a dog named Mary Lou’s fantasy in the fifth race and won $1500. That customer had no idea that I went to races at the time. The next time he came in he and his friends tab was on me! PS – Don’t breath under water is the most over used “Tip” ever. Please stop saying it. It is only funny to you.

I have always said if you want to know “the customer pays your salary” theory work in the restaurant industry for a week. Bartenders do not make minimum wage, though we do make a little more than servers. Like servers, we count on tips to survive.

Don’t get me wrong, this post is directed at about 5% of the people bartenders deal with. The other 95% we enjoy spending time with you and you do not fall into any of these categories. If you are NOT questioning which percentage you fall into, you fall into the 5%!

Thank God it's almost regular baseball season!!!

Someday you will see… I am so much more than you know. You have classified me inappropriately. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you see. You have branded me unjustly. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you hear. You have labeled me fictitiously. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you feel. You have pigeonholed me obliviously. Someday you will see… but not today…

I really don't like pizza

In the shadows of a fraser fir...

I want to release this from my head before I forget. It was such an intense dream I need to be able to remember it.

It started with a young man (whom I know outside my subconscious) becoming physically close to me in an effort to keep the words he was saying between just the two of us. Then I felt his hand on my side, the other hand on my opposite hip. He drew me in closer. It became obvious his intentions were more than sharing a secret. He turned me and kissed me. My mind was racing between the kiss and the thought that this seducer was only five or six years older than my own daughter. I took comfort in knowing that she didn’t know him. I found great pleasure in the kiss though. Not a person I would imagine kissing in reality. Though one never knows now…

Before the kiss ended the scene changed to he and I in my bedroom (at least I think that is where it was supposed to be.) The surroundings were familiar and there was a bed and we were headed for it. But we were stopped by an ex-boyfriend who was sitting on it arguing with me about me bringing strange men home to HIS dog. Once I spit out the words “She is not your dog, she is mine”, the scene changed again…

Driving along a windy road with steep cliffs and silver shiny guardrails, I realized I was following someone. Him. The one who kissed me. But I was so tired. I drove faster and faster to keep up. Fighting to keep my eyes open. Coming up to a sharp corner I realized I could no longer stay awake and was driving much to fast. I felt my self pull the wheel to the left and falling asleep at the same time. Hoping that I would manage to turn without going through the guardrail. Next I was seeing a very peaceful scene. A happy group of people in a field. The place I believed to have been the destination I was driving to. Thinking I made it. Thank God I made it! Then a horrific thought came to me. What if this is what God shows people when they are dying? To ease the pain. Both physical and emotional. I started hearing voices. Frantic voices. And I couldn’t move. I felt trapped. Like something not human was holding me down. I started to panic. I was dying. Then I woke up.

Wow – sometimes you just have one of those dreams that sticks with you for a while. I wanted to save the memory of it somehow. But hours later it is still as vivid as when I was dreaming it. What do you think? I need Prozac maybe?

Opening Day at the Track

January 2006 Revisited...

I once told you I needed to be left at the alter because that was one heartache I have never felt. You never thought you would hear that from a woman. I meant it. Though now that I am experiencing that raw consuming pain I am trying to figure out why I would want this. Why I would want to feel like everything inside me has been taken and is hidden somewhere I may never find it again. I feel air run under my skin searching for something to comfort it. But nothing is there. I tired of crying. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of wondering. I am tired of worrying. I am just tired. Like a child wandering aimlessly in the woods after taking the wrong path. Rushing from one place to another only to return to start. Now it is dark and the sounds are frightening. The silence even more. It will be hours before the dawn. I am not sure that child will ever see it.It seems I have been in love with you since the first day we actually spoke. I have thought about you everyday since. Was it five or six years ago? I have never once told you how I felt. I flirted with you, you flirted with me. We both flirt with everyone. I learned to justify my feelings for you because of what you have done under cover of friendship. There is something about you. About how I feel when you speak to me. You have something in your eyes I have always really wanted to know. Something that tells me I need make love to you with my eyes open.I believe that you think of me as a nuisance at times, strange at others, intriguing some, just plain old nuts the rest of the time. I am really none of those things. I am a scared little girl fighting to survive and hide the pain. This pain I cannot hide. This time the pain is me. I cannot muster the strength or courage to tell you how I feel. This would be the wrong time to open my heart to you or anyone. I fear if I ever told you you would reject me. Something I can not take anymore. I fear too that you might not. That would be worse. Because you were not the one who left me at the alter...

A FLAC IT!

Welcome to my new obsession! It was introduced to me by a friend from Connecticut who has been doing this for years. It's called Geocaching! For those who don't know it is scavenger hunting by GPS (Global Positioning System). You punch in coordinates which you get online. Occasionally you have to figure them out by deciphering clues and hints. The GPS guides you in the right direction. Once you get within feet of the "stash" that is when the searching begins. And it ain't always easy! Here is a story about one hunt we went on!

What started out as a drive to Lake Bomoseen, turned into a great adventure! Driving to see our friend Bill at his son's new place on the Lake, Planet noticed on her GPS that there was a "cache" not far away. Well, being the wonderful navigators that we are (with GPS and all) we accidently passed Bill's house. Knowing we had to turn around somewhere we stopped to turn around at the Lake House Restaurant. Of course, after the rough journey we just had we needed to stay for a refreshing beverage.

Sitting at a table next to the water, Planet noticed the ducks in the water next to us. At the same time I noticed the first Entree on the menu was DUCK!!! Can we pick our own? As we sat discussing the fact that we KNOW Bill will take us out to the point we need to go across that Lake to find the cache Bill pulls up in his boat, scaring away our water fowl friends! 86 the Duck!

Bill joins our party. We ask our friends to tell our server not to touch our drinks we would be right back. Bill, Planet, Bryno and I jump in the boat and head to the "Slate Slide". The water was beautiful. Nice and calm. The sun was just setting and added to the perfect ride across to the west shore. Upon our arrival, we realize there is no way we can get out of the boat and find our treasure in the dusk. We turn the boat around and rejoin the rest of the gang at the Lake House.

Planning to meet up first thing in the morning to search again. Our night certainly was not over but Geocaching for the day was.

At first light I jump in the shower and head north to meet Planet and Bryno. We got into one vehicle and headed to the Lake to catch up with Bill and his boat. We waited a little while before resuming the search because it was a little foggy on the Lake. (The whole time I am wondering why I agreed to meet them at 8am!) Once the haze lifted, from the lake and the humans, we prepared for our ride across. Of course Bryno and Bill brought fishing poles. It took only minutes to reach the point we needed to climb off the boat and onto the land. Note to self *SLATE IS SLIPPERY WHEN WET*. Yes I went into the water unintentionally. All the while laughing about all of our "Duck" puns from the night before. Now I was at one with them! Knowing I am a klutz and we were going to be on water I brought a full change of clothes including dry sneakers. Planet and I climbed the Slate Hill and began looking into holes, turning up rock, etc. Low and behold! There was a Blue Tupperware container. It was the perfect cache for me to find. It was full of little toys and a logbook. I logged our "Geocaching names" and then we went to the bottom of the slate slide without incident and waited for the two fishermen to come back and get us! "Hey guys we found it you can come back now!"

When you find a cache that contains items you can take one ONLY if you leave one. We decided not to do either at this one. The boys still wanted to fish so we went north on the lake to another spot that was said to have a cache. They fished. Planet and I hunted. This one we didn't find... BUT WE WILL! We plan on going back while we can still reach it by boat! We decided to give up the search for the day and get more info on this one online.

What a beautiful evening and day we had searching and boating and fishing. Laughing the whole time about the ducks and the Lake House. This is an activity I highly recommend. The cost is minimal. You can get a GPS for $100-$500 dollars. (The $100 is fine for this) Some palm pilots have it. Phones that have it generally do not have enough options for Geocaching though) But that is the only real investment. Then only other expense is the gas you will use to search for the caches. You can look areas up online that you know you will visit and see what caches are out there. There are approximately 500,000 in North America. We actually found two on our way to the Lake house and one on our way home. (Not including the two at the lake)

The END!

Snake Bites all around

I stood in the middle of the room, imagining, dreaming, wondering. The room seemed to grow as I added my vision to it. The task of condensing my 41+ years into one room seems inconceivable. I believe I am up for the challenge. I am craving it actually. I have wanted to simplify my life for sometime now. This move will make the material simplification mandatory. The spiritual one will follow.

Today is the first page in the next chapter. Tomorrow is the substance…
Note to self *When out shopping don’t forget to pick up forgiveness*

Lindsay wasn't arrested today!

Ego is a dangerous friend or foe. Mine has been beaten and bruised into submission. Respect has kept me from falling. Now I just wait for the day when Grace rears up and takes over.

What exactly is a Chimichonga?

Dear Mike,

Timing is everything and ours just sucks! We tried. Or at least I did. No one can really deny that. Unfortunately neither of us is or was in the right place for a relationship to work. You are a wonderful guy with a great heart. That damned alcohol is a great mask though. We both used each other as an escape and we were successful. Then reality hits and life happens. Things have to be dealt with. Once those intrusions took place there was no room left for “US” in each others lives. My shit. Your shit. There was never any of Our shit. Seeing you with her broke my heart last night. Which is a good thing because it is what I needed to give up hope and decide to really move on. You have been out with others. I have been out with others. Mine never had a chance with you so in my head. Now they will. Now I can look at “others” and know that you aren’t coming back. The new and improved you that we talked about. The one would could handle someone like me in his life without bailing when it became work. We both agreed that I deserved better. It just took me by surprise seeing you out with her. Someone I have known longer than I have known you. Just a day after you whispered in my ear that you loved me. What could I say? Nothing. We weren’t and aren’t together. You can do whatever with whomever you please. I told Bill and Lydia I should go home. Oh how I wish I had. Then I would still have hope that you would call and tell me you were ready to really try. That these feelings I have won’t go to waste. In the real world, not the fantasy one I have lived in recently, I have begun making plans. For the future. My future. One without you as my partner. The one in which I am left to fend for myself. It really is a beautiful thing. Do you know I have already starting making plans for a fall trip to the city? A couple summer trips to Martha’s Vineyard and just tonight discussed a Montreal excursion for next week. I haven’t done any of those kinds of things since we met, for fear of leaving you behind. I have come to the realization that it was me I was leaving behind. I love the memories I have of you and my hope is that you will still be in my life just on a different level. I enjoy your humor and the “entertainment without commercials” that you offer. However, the man in my life needs to offer me more. I am sure I will find the man that fulfills my needs. Maybe someday you will meet him. I hope you like him as much as I like her. I am not out searching for him. He will just happen. The same way you just happened. To this day meeting you is one of my favorite memories. And then you did give me that one perfect day. This is only good-bye to the lover. I pray it is not good-bye to the friend. Now I have to go and make plans for my future. Right now the more pressing issue is… what the hell am I going to make for dinner tomorrow?

love ya,
Bev

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!!

I cannot believe she actually said it! She did! And this morning I felt the profound revelation in the words she spoke - "Morning Comes Early"

I remember walking in the middle of the road on a rainy night thinking to myself. Wondering more likely. It was cool but not cold. The sky was dark but not frightening. I was headed home from a college graduation party of the older sibling of a friend. What did I want to be when I grew up. A doctor, a lawyer, a vet, a magician? All seemed so appealing. Wouldn’t anyone of them look great on a resume. Wouldn’t they look even better as part of a personal ad? “Busy Single Doctor in need of companionship.” Too damn lazy to go out and actually meet people. Too smart to sit in a bar and get picked up. Too successful to be lonely. It is amazing how titles dictate perceptions. I myself would find the Attractive Single Magician intriguing. That is the one I would respond to. Yet which one would I write?

My personal ad –
Divorced 41 year old procrastinator seeking… Wow. That is where it would stop. I don’t know what I would be seeking. That is a tough one. I guess I am seeking nothing from someone else. I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t consider myself alone now. Why is it that my friends find this so hard to believe? Why can someone only be happy if they are in a “relationship”? I am actually happy when I am alone. I came to terms with my “oneness” after my separation from my now ex-husband. A relationship the lasted over two decades, starting in 10th grade.

I think Chuck Norris has the answers to all of life's questions.