Yeah! I have acid reflux!

In a great mood for reasons of her own, she slung booze across the bar as if it were fairy dust. Every customer blurring into the next. No concentration. It is amazing she made it through her shift without exploding. Ecstatic from one phone call. Happy to be alive. Happy to be wasting days writing nonsense, wasting nights pouring drinks. Her state was euphoric. It all ended to fast. He walked in. Ordered a beer and sat there all night watching. Occasionally speaking some mumbo jumbo. Then he got the nerve to ask why she doesn’t wear a ring. Curious to know what her social situation was. She tends to keep that information private. Her love life is, after all, her love life. Something sacred. Whether is exists or not. Still something she doesn’t want touched by the dirt she sees and feels at times when she is working. And it never fails, anytime she admits she has a social life, it becomes jinxed. He was persistent. “Are you seeing some one?” She wasn’t sure how to answer. She thinks she is. Hopes she is. But is she? That question really made her wonder. She only mustered up a “Kinda” in hopes to satisfy the inquisitive customer. She should have just said yes because he took her answer as an opportunity. She avoided any real direct conversation with him once he began asking about going out to dinner and getting together. Trying not to offend him. Wanting him to see she wasn’t interested. Apparently she wasn’t accomplished at getting that point across. At the end of the night there were still a few vehicles in the parking lot. Ones belonging to the careful few who chose to ride with someone else to the next bar. She got in her truck and turned the key. Warmed it only briefly. Lights on and ready to head home. Pulling out of the parking lot she noticed a car pulling out behind her. She hadn’t seen anyone in the area when she walked out and most people would say good night or something. Hey it’s 2am no big deal. She pulled out. The car followed. As a bartender she always felt she had a keen sense of people. Feeling a little nervous having this car right behind her she took a road she never takes. One leading away from her house. The car behind followed. She decided to go back to the bar. Laughing at herself for behaving so childish. She knew no one would be there but the vehicles in the parking lot would be a good cover. The round trip took all of five minutes but that car was behind her for all of it. Except when she, without a blinker, pulled into the bar parking lot. The car drove past the driveway and headed north. She watched to see if she could see who it was. And it was him. The one who wanted to take her to dinner. She parked her truck, turned it off and just waited. To see if he returned. It was a little unnerving. It was obvious he was following her. Feelings came back she had forgotten she could feel. Something she hadn’t dealt with in a long time. Bringing up memories of a stalker in another lifetime. Shaking and now scared due to her own imagination she still sat in the truck and waited. Trying to catch her breath. Trying to get her heart to stop racing. Trying to convince herself she is just being paranoid. Just minutes after turning the truck off she sees a vehicle heading south. It pulled into the parking lot. Oh thank God it was one of the bar hoppers getting dropped off at his truck. She turned the key and he pulled up to her to say goodnight. She followed him south for a bit and headed home.

What is wrong with grilled cheese for breakfast…

Opening day of Baseball is only a few days away!

I call what I do my retirement. And usually it feels like it is but… There are times it feels like more work than it is worth. Every now and then I just want to be able to say what I really think. I get paid to feed egos, pump self-esteem and inflate fantasies. Sometimes I wanted to be able to say, "You are a fucking drunk!", "You need to find a life " or "After two drinks you really become an asshole", "Please take a shower before you come back", "You are not the smartest, best looking person that comes in here", "No, I would not sleep with you for all of the Bacardi in the world!". “No, that guy would not go home with you no matter how much booze I feed him.” Unfortunately, my work ethic prevents me from doing that. So instead I say, "I think you have had enough." or "Who is driving?" or "I know there is a trooper parked up the road checking, I cannot in good conscience serve you anymore." or “How about a little water for a while” or “I can’t keep serving you these heavy drinks, the owner is watching” Or my favorite, "I am not serving you anymore because you are acting like an idiot.

"For those of you who frequent bars let me give you a few tips about bartenders.

Pace yourself. Otherwise it isn't pretty and we create blogs about you.

Rest assured we have seen a few people that can drink more than you! We probably can ourselves.

Poor Hygiene isn't good. Generally the bartender is sober and has a decent sense of smell. We will shut you off earlier just to get rid of you. No matter how pissed you get.
DO NOT start with the "Oh this one or that one is the greatest person thing" It is aggravating because then we KNOW you are already drunk and it is safe to show you the door.

REMEMBER you DO get louder as the drinks go down. Unfortunately for the poor sap behind the bar a bartenders hearing doesn't weaken!

We don’t care how many bars you have been in. You know nothing about our job until you have worked behind a bar for a period of time.

Bartenders DO NOT take someone home every night so do not even go there. Most bartenders like going home alone. Spend a few hours behind a bar and witness human nature in raw form and you would want to go home alone too!

Bartenders aren't lonely. More times than not we are not interested in your advances. And most female bartenders have taken self-defense courses or come to work armed. Most bar owners are fine with this as long as there are no witnesses or bodies to dispose of.

Bartenders are usually the only sober ones in the room so when they say you're done, then dammit – YOU'RE DONE! We are only saving you some major embarrassment tomorrow and the need to try to remember who you need to apologize to or figure out why you are banned from a bar.

No matter how smart or cute or funny you are when you are sober – YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS AFTER A FEW DRINKS. Trust me.

Bartenders do love MOST of their regulars. Make sure you fall into the MOST category. If you don't then tip heavy and that will insure a "good" drink and a friendly greeting the next time you come in.

Top shelf usually means sucker to a bartender! You better know what country your vodka comes from before you order it! Otherwise you know shit about vodka! If you drink mixed drinks and are looking to get a good glow, skip the expensive stuff! The hangover is the same. You are not impressing anyone. You will be happy with the couple bucks in your pocket in the morning! There are some who know the difference. Those are the ones who do not sit in bars and get drunk.

Oh and most importantly – WE DO TALK!! What happens in the bar is common knowledge by 7am and probably posted on some blog somewhere! There really is something known as “The bartenders club”. If you act like an ass, every bartender within 50 miles hears about it within 24 hours.Remember if you take care of your bartender he/she will take care of you BUT part of taking care of your bartender is NOT being an asshole. 95% of bar customers are good ones. We will watch out for you as long as you are not a jerk on a regular basis. In the case of the Bar Jerk” – we will use you for comic relief.

Last but not least, if you think you ARE, chances are you ARE NOT the biggest tipper at the bar. So stop bragging about it every time you come in. The best tip I got to this day was a $20 bill wrapped in a napkin with “Mary Lou in the fifth” written on it. A week later I was at Hinsdale Race Track and bet on a dog named Mary Lou’s fantasy in the fifth race and won $1500. That customer had no idea that I went to races at the time. The next time he came in he and his friends tab was on me! PS – Don’t breath under water is the most over used “Tip” ever. Please stop saying it. It is only funny to you.

I have always said if you want to know “the customer pays your salary” theory work in the restaurant industry for a week. Bartenders do not make minimum wage, though we do make a little more than servers. Like servers, we count on tips to survive.

Don’t get me wrong, this post is directed at about 5% of the people bartenders deal with. The other 95% we enjoy spending time with you and you do not fall into any of these categories. If you are NOT questioning which percentage you fall into, you fall into the 5%!

Thank God it's almost regular baseball season!!!

Someday you will see… I am so much more than you know. You have classified me inappropriately. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you see. You have branded me unjustly. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you hear. You have labeled me fictitiously. Someday you will see… I am so much more than you feel. You have pigeonholed me obliviously. Someday you will see… but not today…

I really don't like pizza